Teeth
I’ve started to think that maybe I need to whiten my teeth. But it’s not that simple, because I have a couple of issues with it. I guess I put the teeth whitening sort of in the same category as the pedicures, insofar as I feel like ten years ago everyone walked around with their teeth the color of coyotes and no one gave a shit. And then gradually, no one is allowed on TV unless they look like they just got their teeth, like, TODAY. And regular people follow suit and now there’s a fucking “Brite Smile” on every corner.
The thing is I hate the way it looks when people have insanely whitened teeth. It’s retarded. I see an actor like Tom Hanks on Oprah or something and he’s like 55 years old and his teeth are glowing like that gem console from Land of the Lost. So are Oprah’s. It doesn’t match the rest of their body. I don’t think you need to match your shoes and bag, but I do think matching your head to body is a pretty solid fashion “do.”
That said, I’m tempted. I had braces for five years. Full braces. Top. Bottom. Rubber bands (I don’t think they even make those anymore.) Head gear. It was an epic struggle to get my snagglies in shape, but Dr Klapper (God bless him) won out. So I feel like I should try to honor that work by keeping them tippity top shape, because they’re pretty straight. But I have some ones on the sides that are starting to turn a smidge yellow-ey. Not a great look. I mean they’re not corn muffin yellow, but maybe, oh I dunno, the color a rich person would paint his kitchen. Like a light butter.
But I don’t know where to go or how to do the whitening. I tried the whitestrips, which seemed really easy, but they are not. They’re disgusting and they don’t stay in place. Plus, you can’t eat while you have them on, and you’re supposed to have them on a half hour, and that’s about fifteen minutes longer than my non eating window.
I don’t trust Brite Smile. Isn’t whitening something that should be done in a real medical facility? Going in there feels like dropping into a Quiznos to have your appendix out. And there’s something creepy about those places in general. A weird vibe. Sort of Scientology-esque. Like I’ll get my teeth whitened but while I have the thing in my mouth they’ll make me listen to some lectures about “technology for living.” I just need to get rid of this buttereyness.
December 8th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Hi!
Having your teeth whitened makes them less resistant to caries. The chemicals used are sort of acids (as far as I know) that strips of a thin layer of the teeth, leaving them with a thiner and more fragile coating. This new layer will eventually go back to a light buttery color.
Something to consider before having your choppers bleached…
Also if your teeth are really big and bright you will be an excellent target for illegal ivory poachers and perhaps your fine newly bleached teeth will end up as somebody’s chess pieces or piano keys.
/Jan
December 8th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
If you do go for it, though, I’d just ask your dentist. It’s like piercings; you’re better off at the doc than at The Limited getting a staph infection. They’ll have all the latest techniques *and* the safety knowledge (and it won’t be anything like Quiznos!).
December 9th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
Jan’s right. Caries are the single worst thing your teeth can be subjected to these pre-apocalyptic days.
December 15th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
that is hilarious, I going in on wednesday.
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