My Dirty Secrets (Installment One)
1. I realized the other day I do not know how to work venetian blinds. Well, maybe that’s an overstatement. I never understand how to pull the string in order to get them to come down. But I can handle all the other functions. I can get them to go up (pull the string down – easy as pie) and I can make the slats go up or down by twisting the plastic thing (that’s a snap and I really enjoy it) but I’ve never really learned the right angle or whatever to get them to come down easily. The other night I was going to get undressed and realized I should not put on a “show” for the “neighbors” (I put these both in quotes because I’m not sure that me half naked for 2 seconds is a show nor am I sure I have actual neighbors) and I wanted to get the blinds down and it took me about ten minutes. It was like birthing a kite or something.
2. I am afraid of fire. Not just big fires, but lighting matches. You know those cocky people who can put out a candle with their fingers? You won’t catch me doing that in a million years. You know those assholes who can pass their finger through a flame? Count Jessi out, she’s not interested. You now those dicks who know how to work a cigarette lighter? This girl doesn’t have a clue.
3. I can’t swallow pills. Little ones – birth control, Advil (tablets, not capsules) - but not big ones. The problem is that most pills are big ones. I don’t understand how people are able to just pop something that’s about as large as a bass player’s thumb down their gullet and pretend like that’s not a reason to have a nervous breakdown. I just went to the store to buy liquid vitamins. You know you’ve hit some kind of fear wall when you find yourself drinking vitamin B complex.
February 18th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
When I was a kid I couldn’t swallow pills, a real problem beacuase I was a sickly kid who had to take a ton of medicine for various ailments.
Problem was I kept trying to do it in just one swallow/gulp and it would never go down. I learned to just put the pill in and chug the water like I was real thirsty and it went down no problem after a couple of gulps.
Also most pills have a line/indentation in them so you can break them in half. Makes them easier to swallow and faster to digest. Just try not to get the insides of the pill directly on your tongue cause it usually tastes like crap.
February 18th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Venetians, pills and fire are one thing, and I kind of get them as a fear. But these are as nought against any kind of august bronze bust of any contemporary showbiz figure – say, Steve Allen. Something about the reverence, not to say the possibility of viewing the profile from previoisly unseen and unflattering angles, just isn’t right.
It’s disturbing.
February 19th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
If someone like you can’t work venetian blinds or swallow pills, what hope is there for me? I’m such a worthless piece of shit.
((SIGH))
February 26th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
maybe there is a pill to help you figure out venetian blinds.
or, maybe you could try to swallow a veniatian blind? i wonder what clive owen would do if he knew that you could swallow a venetian blind.
March 11th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Maybe there is something you can smoke that will make you not care about the blinds… oh, you could have someone else light it for you, of course.
March 19th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
I recently figured out how to use a lighter, it is not as hard as I thought.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Once was asked to pull up the blind at work, after 30 mins’ 7 of us still couldn’t get the thing to go up.