Jessi Klein's NotBlog

This morning I went to drink some coffee and read the newspaper at my favorite NYC cafe.  It feels so good to be back, because there are actually normal looking people to stare at.  In LA I go to a Starbucks where there are two kinds of people: horribly failed actors and musicians who have turned to meth and heroin and now shuffle around in sweatpants and flip-flops; and then there are beautiful skinny people with money, who may fail one day but haven’t yet.  They too wear sweatpants and flip flops.  Why always this outfit?  Occasionally maybe…but everyday? 

In any case I bought my drink and my paper.  I’m not gonna lie to you, usually I go straight to Arts and the Weekend stuff, just like the wife of that cliche asshole in the NY Times ads:  “She goes for Arts and Leisure – I read the Magazine.”  F— you.  Anyhoo today because I had time I decided to noodle around in World Summary and I found this story:

The long arms of the world’s tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported today.

The dolphins at an aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had fallen sick after swallowing the plastic from the edge of their pool, and attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because of the contraction of the dolphins’ stomachs in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Is this not the most beautiful, wondrous thing you have ever heard?  Does this not show you how all the dots in the world are connected by some powerful, cosmic force? A force that is, most likely, an old man with a long white beard?   

Veterinarians than decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 2.36-metre-tall herdsman from Inner Mongolia.

You live all your life, a seven foot eight inch freak show herdsman.  You’re terrifying, a human giant.  Dogs are scared of you.  Children and adults alike feel free to stare.  You never in your life have a moment where you don’t feel like you are at the center of an eternally awful circus.  Presumably, you suck at basketball or you would not be the world’s tallest herdsman. 

One day, you get a strange call, a call that originates from some pulsing, heartlike device at the very center of the universe.  That call traves through the vet’s phone and into your phone, the phone that’s annoyingly small for your hand, whose buttons are too small for your big fingers; you probably always dial the wrong number whenever you are trying to reach the Mongolian BBQ takeout place.  They tell you they want you take your long arms and stick them down the gullets of two sick dolphins.  A dolphin, one of the world’s most beautiful, intelligent, mysterious creatures. 

This man saved the dolphins. 

No matter what else ever happens in the lives of the man and the dolphins (personally, I would like to see them marry.  Each other.), they will all live out their lives knowing that one concrete, undeniable, simple purpose of their creation has been fulfilled.   The man, to save the dolphins; the dolphins, to finally give this man a beautiful moment of understanding why he has arms as long as plumbling snakes.

We should all be so lucky to have that moment just once in our lives, to know we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing.  Maybe Beyonce felt it when she was shaking her ass in the “Crazy” video; maybe Oprah felt it when she was screaming “Everybody gets a car!”  Jane Goodall felt it when she stared at gorillas for umpteen years.  Have I ever felt it?  I’m not sure.  I’ve come close.  I’ve had experiences performing where I thought I felt it; I felt it making out with some jerko I had a huge, huge crush on at a party once (long story, super drunk, doesn’t count); but I don’t think I’ve ever felt it in the way I imagine that Mongolian felt it when he was up to his elbows in dolphin esophagus.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 15th, 2006 at 10:25 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.