I was watching Oprah the other day. Standard stuff. Julia Roberts was on talking about Charlotte’s Web. She plays the eponymous Charlotte. Oprah plays the goose.
Anyway, like everyone else in America, I’m kind of into Julia Roberts. I mean I’m not into her specifically, but I like looking at her. My theory of her face, I think, is kind of like what perfume scientists say about good perfumes – that at the base of every great perfume is one note that smells kind of off and bad, and that’s the note that hooks you. I think she has a note in her face that’s weird. She’s obviously very beautiful. Calm down, stop yelling!
(Maybe I am into her. I mean maybe there is something interesting about her. Didn’t she leave Kiefer Sutherland at the altar? You have to be kind of a bananapants to leave someone at the altar. What I mean is, to do that, you have to really be shitting your pants with fear and regret and nervousness. And it’s interesting that America’s Pretty Woman at some point was shitting her pants with nervousness and fear and regret.)
I’ll get right to the point. Julia Roberts is supposed to be all about the megawatt smile (barf to that phrase, by the way) and the goofy laugh (vomit) and she’s lit from within and all that bullshit. But in the last few times I’ve seen her, she seems weirdly down and out of it to me. Kind of off. She’s still doing the smile and all that, but it feels forced, and it’s sandwiched between a lot of coldish comments and empty stares. And she weighs about 90 pounds. Never an up sign. Am I the only one observing this?
It’s also a bad sign to me that this woman can’t find a decent pair of pants. She was on Oprah wearig a pair of tapered black slacks. What the fuck? She has infinity dollars. You can’t find some bootleg jeans for infinity dollars?
She says she’s happy with the twins and Danny Moder (too much to address on him to deal with right now) but I’m not buying it. I HOPE she’s happy (I have to say that – I mean I do, but let’s not pretend I spend time actively thinking about it – I just have to write it when I’m writing) but I’m picking up a vibe. My theory: she’s really freaked out about aging. I don’t blame her. Aging seems to blow. But I think Julia’s Mona Lisa smile is cracking. There’s also the report that she had to rerecord her entire Charlotte performance because when it was in the can the producers thought it was too “down.”
Another person who seems miserable to me: Anne Curry. I don’t know why, I just do. Long hair, short hair. Doesn’t matter. Misery all around. I can’t watch her do the news without needing a drink. She bums me out. Why so sad, Anne Curry??? On the other hand, good for you for being bummed out. The world is a shitbox.