Dream Dinner
The dream dinner is me, Oprah, Anderson Cooper, and Tim Gunn. We sit down to a cheese course to start. Anderson and Tim tell me they love my hair. Oprah sistas out with one of her “Girl, you lookin’ good” compliments. I love it when Oprah gets a litte sista-y. People make fun of her for it, but fuck them, it’s great. In the dream, no matter how much cheese we eat, there’s always more cheese. Over the cheese course they start sharing amazing celebrity gossip. Oprah reveals the entire Brad and Jen saga, even though she promised Jen she wouldn’t. Tim Gunn suddenly gets a cell phone call from Santino. They talk for a minute and when they finish Tim goes, “Santino has the biggest crush on you.” I go, “Isn’t Santino gay?” And Anderson goes, “Well, I’m gay, but I’m pretty in love with you myself.” I say something self deprecating and everyone laughs. The main course is served and inexplicably it’s chocolate cupcakes. I’m worried about eating something as rich and fatty as cupcakes for dinner, but Oprah assures me that these cupcakes were made by her personal chef and in fact they’re healthier than vegetables. It would actually be unhealthy to not eat them. We chow down. Dessert is prosciutto. Anderson suddenly looks at his Blackberry and gleefuly reports that he just got an email, from CNN HQ, informing us all that World Poverty has just been solved. We toast. At the end of the dinner, we get into a giant fluffy bed and stay up all night giggling. Nothing sexual happens, although Anderson strokes my arm and Oprah lets me feel the skin on her butt, which is like Japanese silk.
July 26th, 2006 at 10:51 pm
lol. rofl. lol. i heart you.
July 26th, 2006 at 10:53 pm
p.s. PLEASE join myspace.
July 27th, 2006 at 7:54 am
Miss Jessi you have a great wit about you. I love your musings on VH1. I heart you, indeed. I know I just re-used Ian’s line but it’s true. You are a funny funny woman. Just to let you know I had the almost exact dream but replace Oprah with Star Jones. In my dream Star kept eating and she ballooned to 350 pounds. Next day she played middle lineback for the NY Giants. Jessi you are the female version of David Wain. That’s a compliment, I think. Keep being funny.
July 27th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Japanese silk? Not that I’ve imagined the texture of that surface heretofore, but I’m thinking more along the lines of the meniscus of a Jell-O cake…
July 28th, 2006 at 1:43 pm
i agree join myspace
July 28th, 2006 at 9:35 pm
you’re quite unusual……..quite
July 31st, 2006 at 3:58 pm
I absolutely LOVE your non-blog. That dream was soooooooo cool. Why the hell can’t I have dream like that????
August 11th, 2006 at 2:22 am
you know how Nietzsche said that if you look long enough into the void it looks back into you? i think oprahs butt would feel like that.
my ideal-a-meal:antyhing croustade with a drunk andrew mccarthy!
August 11th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
totally stupid, wish i could actually get that minute back it took to read… kept waiting for something funny to be said, it just never came….. i’m suprised that a couple people actually enjoyed this garbage
August 15th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
lol good funny!
September 6th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Dear Ms. Klein
I’ve just finished reading your “dream”. I employ quotes because, as an experienced non-licensed dream therapist, I believe that what you’ve described is not so much a dream as a whimsy or fantasy or outright lie. While statistical data is too minimal to be even sketchy, there is fragile consensus in the ENLDT community that people or “dream absorption vessels” don’t have visions of Oprah. It may have to do with her luxurious dimensions extending beyond the 4:3 aspect ratio of our mind’s eye. Investigation of the phenomena is still in its infancy and receives little to no government funding. My recommendation to you: a tri-weekly tele-consult with one of our consellors-in-training to help you to navigate the sholls of your troubled meta-conscious. You owe it to your inner dream child.
“Dreams are God’s way of preparing us for the heaven we’ll never know”
Anonymous
September 9th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
I have felt the skin on Oprah’s butt, and it is much more like Chinese silk than Japanese, in point of fact. Other than that, your perfect dinner makes perfect sense to me. I demand logic always.
September 9th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
what made me laugh is that americans are crazy enough to have “experienced non-licensed dream therapists”!!! GOD! anyone but me amazed about that? how can someone have a profession that comes with the term “non-licensed”… ?????
as in “No, I have never studied medicine, but hey, let me take out your left kidney anyway”…
hey, jessi klein, do something about that little nazi-fixation of yours… bugs are cute. and they didnt even exist in 1945…
September 18th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
*sigh* i’m allergic to dairy. and i LOVE cheese.
but i can have it if i don’t mind itchy welts all over my body and sleep-deprivation.
October 1st, 2006 at 5:36 pm
I love your writing and you are right about forgivness. Congradulations on getting your license!Look both ways!!!
March 14th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Jessi,
I just discovered this blog today and have to say – you need to write on it more often because you’re hilarious.
I realize this entry is from like 8 months ago, but I must comment anyway.
My fantasy dinner would def include Tim Gunn, too. Other than that, I would invite some kickass female comics. You could come. And Amy Sedaris. And Parker Posey. And Sarah Silverman.
And we’d get drunk and let Tim Gun dress us up and have a stumbly fashion show down a 5-foot long catwalk in my tiny apartment.
Sigh.
March 15th, 2007 at 12:27 am
Hey, I wasn’t going to post a comment because it’s been so long, but Emily did, so wtf. I used to know this comic named JoJo. He worked as an emcee at the old Catch a Rising Star on 1st Ave, and my older sister dated him briefly, I think. Anyway, if that’s him that commented, he is probably just bitter and jealous of your success. You know, the driver’s license and everything.
Anyway, I saw you for the first time on the extras of this new Bill Shatner roast DVD. I never saw your standup or the Showbiz Show (but I might watch it now). You were very funny, and super-attractive. I have never seen someone intelligent, beautiful and funny do red carpet interviews before.
They should have let you up on stage.